THE NAIJA QUEENS - SOUTH AFRICANS MARRIED TO NAIJA MEN

Posted by Phumzile Somide on Thursday, January 23, 2014 Under: Feature Articles


Marriage, an institution ordained by God. A covenant between a man and a woman. A covenant between husband and wife with God, In South Africa it has however lost the dignity that was associated with it as in the olden days. Too many people have made a charade of it and took out the one critical element “God”.

Marriages have been faked, people have been married without their knowledge, women forced to marry for their families benefit and the classical one, foreigners married to South African women to obtain legal standing and or citizenship.

For years Nigerians have been known for pushing and dealing drugs in South Africa, almost as if it were a brand. They started marrying South African women, this was thought to be rebellious as far as the traditionalist or old school families are concerned. What is so wrong with marrying men from other countries? In the new South Africa one would think there is nothing wrong with that until making a discovery that not all the marriages are real.

Men paying women to marry them, it seems money talks. This is a trend that has been seen everywhere you find a foreigner who desperately needs citizenship but in SA it would seem people have been interacting with foreigners and finding common ground, building relationships and ultimately getting married and in as much as some of these marriages are fake some are as real as they come. Besides, the law is also clamping down on marriages of convenience.

The Nigerian Voice Newspaper went out find real marriages between Nigerians and South Africans, so we spoke to a few South African women who are married to Nigerians.

*Lindiwe

How did you meet your husband?

On church street while I was going to the library one morning, He walked past me and said hi, which is something I really hate, I was asking myself why he waited for me to pass and then only say hi, was quite annoyed actually but indulged him anyway. I gave him my telephone number, which I never do. To cut a long story short he called me after 2 weeks and as they say, we are now living happily …

Was it love at first sight?

Depends on what you mean by love at first sight, I remember the most striking thing I saw about him was his goaty (Bead)…we were friends for a while before we started dating. I knew I liked him but it was not love. That came later.

Did he spend a lot of money to lure you into the relationship?

Money has never been an issue with me, I used to even find it difficult to receive anything from him because I did not want it to seem as if I was interested in his material possessions or what he could give me.

Did you ever have to bail him out financially?

Well, when I met him I had no job so no…

How long have you been together?

We’ve been together for 10 years married for 8

How long were you together when he proposed?

2 years

Was this not too soon and did you not find that suspicious?

I didn’t find it suspicious at all; we were both ready for marriage and were led by the Spirit Lord.

Why a Nigerian, I am sure you had South African men interested in you?

It’s not  that I went out specifically to  look for a Nigerian man, he just happened to understand me and what I was about, also I had found what I had been looking for, a man who worships the same God as me.

Do you experience challenges that you believe won’t be there if you were married to a SA man?

I believe I experience challenges because I am married to a man, people are individuals and I was raised to know that. A man is a man no matter what culture he comes from. There will always be challenges here and there because when two people get married they have to share a very personal space with one another and there are bound to be some hiccups. Xenophobia is so whack by the way…

Do you find that you are changing to accommodate your differences or does it go both ways?

No, we have our own culture in the home, we are both born again Christians and that’s how we live, by the Word of God, so no one has to change who they are in order to fit the other ones mold.

How are you making the marriage work with all the challenges?

Through prayer and the word of God, loving and putting one another first.

How did your family receive him?

He is such a mama’s boy, and by that I mean my mama.

Have you ever been to Nigeria?

No.

Why not?

God makes everything beautiful in his time.

What difference have you noticed in the two cultures?

Well, I noticed that there’s a lot of respect for elders with Nigerians, you see it even in greetings.

Define a Nigerian Man based on your experience and interaction with them?

Wonderful, caring, loving, GOD fearing, sensitive, protective…need I go on?

 If you have a second chance at marriage, will you again go for a Nigerian man?

 I’ll go for a man who believes in what I believe.

*Lebo:

 How did you meet your husband?

 We met at church

Was it love at first sight?

I did not like him, I thought he was too pompous and he thought I was too loud

Did he spend a lot of money to lure you into the relationship?

 When I met him he was a student so definitely not

Did you ever have to bail him out financially?

That is what happens when one is in a relationship you bail each other out.  It would have happened even if I was with a South African man.

How long have you been together?

 We've been married for 7 years and been together for 8 years.

How long were you together when he proposed?

Six months into the relationship we talked about it and then 12 months later he officially proposed

Was this not too soon and did you not find that suspicious?

Nope I was not, when you know you know

Why a Nigerian, I am sure you had South African men interested in you?

I did not see a Nigerian, I saw a man, a human being, who happens to be a Nigerian.

What are the challenges you face in your marriage?

My challenges are the same as any other couple in the world.

Do you experience challenges that you believe won't be there if you were married to a South African man?

Like I said my challenges are the same as any other couple in the world.

Do you find that you are changing to accommodate your differences or does it go both ways?

People grow in life, a person is bound to change in some element whether it is to accommodate each other or it is just because of maturity.

How do you make the marriage work with all the challenges?

Communication is the key, if you are not happy about something talk about it,  you do not help each other if one is bitter and the other one is oblivious of what is happening.  You will both be miserable.  You might both have pride, be at logger heads but as long as you both know how each other feel about certain situations and then discuss about how to resolve them,

How did your family receive him?

At first my aunts said they want nothing to do with me and a Nigerian man, My Grandparents were skeptical and my mother was smitten by him

Have you ever been to Nigeria?

Yes

Did you enjoy the experience?

The experience was wonderful, Nigerians are welcoming and warm, they make you feel like you are one special guest.  I had a good experience with my in-laws; they treated me like a Queen. Their country is rich in people and wealth.

What difference have you noticed in the two cultures?

Nigerians are hard working people, and they strive through challenges and they do not wait for things to happen for them they do (they don't understand the word No you cannot)

Define a Nigerian Man based on your experience and interaction with them?

Nigerians are hard working people, and they strive through challenges and they do not wait for things to happen for them they do (they don't understand the word No you cannot), what I hate about them is that they can get too aggressive or too pompous.

If you have a second chance in marriage, will you again go for a Nigerian man?


Like I said I did not marry a Nigerian, I married a man who happens to be a Nigerian, It does not matter to me, and if he was a South African with the same attributes I will marry him.

*Abigail:

How did you meet your husband?

I was visiting a friend and he happen to be staying there, I just thought he looked yummy

Was it love at first sight?

Yes

Did he spend a lot of money to lure you into the relationship?

I don't know cause when I needed money he gave it to me so I don't know if he was luring me or helping me out, not that I always needed money but whenever I did he gave it to me so I think he was just being helpful not luring.

Did you ever have to bail him out financially?

Yes. We were staying in a flat once and I was paying the rent when business was hard

How long have you been together?

8 years

How long were you together when he proposed?

4 years

Why a Nigerian, I am sure you had SA men interested in you?

Yes I have but he was just different, most of all he seemed to take my felling into consideration before his. He was open, no games no pretending he is an open book

What are the challenges you face in your marriage?

Actually we don't have any we are just a normal young married couple

Do you find that you are changing to accommodate your differences or does it go both ways?

Yes I have changed but so has he

How do you make the marriage work?

I don't know it just works out. I don’t know there is no formula just communication is key to everything

How did your family receive him?

Not good but they later saw how happy he made me and they forced themselves to like him. I think they would prefer a South African man for me

Have you ever been to Nigeria?


Yes

How was the experience?

The experience was good I like the place, the people there gave me so much respect that will last me a life time, it is hot there but I loved every minute I was there, it was just great and my in-laws are good people they didn’t even allow me to wash dishes. I was like please people allow me to do something they were like no just sit we will do everything for you. I was so ashamed when my father in-law was dancing for me because in South Africa you and your in-laws don’t even talk let alone dance

What differences have you noticed in the two cultures?

We are a Christian family so we just live according to God so does my family so the two families are not that different except when we do marriage ceremonies they do things differently but a Zulu person does things different to a Xhosa person. There are some foods that I can’t stand some I like.

Define a Nigerian Man based on your experience and interaction with them?

Strong, intelligent, family orientated, loving, God fearing, obsessed with looking good, charming, good father, good husband, good friend, good lover always exceeding my expectations

If you have a second chance in marriage, will you again go for a Nigerian man?

In a heart beat  

So there are real marriages between the two nationals and the fact is that, in love one cannot control who they fall in love with, yes we can choose to be with our own people but then again who are your own people? What defines who you are? Is it your nationality? Is it your religion? Is it your social class? You decide.

On the flip side, some South African ladies have only been exposed to the bad side of been with a Nigerian. Some drug lord who shipped them off to Brazil and became a green monster as soon as she delivered the goods, some player who already had a wife at home and got rid of them as soon as they had their citizenship, some fake Christian who corrupted them and made them loose faith in Christianity, some smooth talker who promised them the world only to leave them for a Nigerian sister. The truth is every country has its bad boys.

One of these ladies married his man because they believe in the same things, and another fell for her man for who he is, not his nationality; the other said differences in people are there even amongst fellow South Africans. Word on the streets is that a lot of this Nigerian brothers are hot, definite eye candy, they are charming, they know how to make a lady feel special and many of them love God. The fact is a some South African ladies love them and so we will be seeing more of these marriages.

The ladies are beautiful, smart, independent; some are homemakers and others making waves in the corporate world. They are Nigerian queens ,they have said to the brothers ”Your people shall be my people”, they are  embracing the differences between their country and Nigeria, they do lace and gele, learning the languages of Nigeria, cooking the Nigerian cuisine, praising God the Nigerian way, they are Nigerians.


In : Feature Articles 



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